The stereotypical divorce is one where spouses are battling each other, trying to get the most out of the other party. However, it doesn’t have to be that way. You and your spouse can be angry, fearful and/or sad about the divorce and still show respect for each other, absent an abusive situation. It may not be easy to do this, but if you succeed, you’ll likely have a quicker, less costly and more positive experience. Instead of focusing on the past, you can move forward to the next phase of your life. This is better for both of you and your children, if you have any.
Being Upset Is Normal in Divorce
It’s common to experience negative emotions when you’re getting divorced. Those feelings may be directed at yourself, your spouse and/or the situation. Even if there wasn’t any bad behavior, like infidelity, you may still blame your spouse for the breakdown of the marriage or worry that he or she won’t treat you fairly in the settlement.
Bad Feelings Lead to Conflicts
Anger and fear often result in fights over money or children. These arguments prolong the divorce and make it more expensive because you’re litigating to be right instead of negotiating a compromise.
If you have children, disputes also make it harder for them to adjust. Your children will pick up on your and your spouse’s emotions, even if neither of you talks badly about the other. If you are arguing over custody or parenting time, it’s also likely that your children will become directly involved in the divorce. When parents cannot resolve their differences, the judge will appoint an attorney for the child or forensic psychologist, who will talk with your children about their feelings and wishes.
Respecting Your Spouse in Divorce
Respect doesn’t mean that you have to love or even like your spouse. It doesn’t require you to accept what they say. You are simply agreeing to listen to each other and work toward a settlement.
When children are involved, respect is particularly important. You and your spouse will always be connected through your children. There will be graduations, marriages, births and other events that will force you to be together. Showing respect during the divorce process sets the stage for your future interactions. For the sake of your children, you don’t want to bring animosity to these moments.
If you’re having trouble being civil toward your spouse, you may want to talk with a third party. A therapist or mental health professional can help you address your emotions. Going to a mediator is also useful. Divorce mediators, particularly retired matrimonial judges, are specially trained to facilitate discussion between divorcing parties. They don’t decide conflicts or force a settlement. They guide the parties toward finding common ground.
The Benefits of a Respectful Divorce
When couples cannot come to an agreement, it means a judge has to decide disputes based on New York law. That resolution won’t give either party everything they want. Often, both sides end up dissatisfied after litigation because a judge ruled against them in some way. However, when couples negotiate a settlement, they tend to be happier. While they still had to compromise, they were making the choices instead of converting those choices into decisions for a judge to decide. A faster, less argumentative divorce allows both sides to start their new lives more quickly and with less turmoil.
Children also get to see their parents putting the past behind them and focusing on the future.
Respect and compromise aren’t always possible, particularly if there has been abuse. However, in other cases, it is often achievable with help.
If you are looking for an efficient resolution of your divorce, contact us for a consultation.
